worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
