The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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