i can't believe i had my finger in that
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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