im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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