hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This is the high leading the old right now
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
