i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
