The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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