I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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