My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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