i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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