I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
