I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
