I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
