Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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