Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
