i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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