I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
