there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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