it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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