Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i will never coherently bang her
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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