Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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