Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
