After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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