i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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