You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
