Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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