ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
