Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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