Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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