Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
