so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
