Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
