My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
