Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
