thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
