Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
