my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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