there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
someone owes me an orgasm
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Randomize
