I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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