Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
