you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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