I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
