ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
