OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
