Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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