i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
NoShamevember. You game?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
