A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
