I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
