I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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