I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
