Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
