they said they heard you say put it in my butt
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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