I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
