During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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