oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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